@VodkaTiem

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.

Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?

Me: Buildings don’t get scared.

CW…..

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

@Cheeseboy22

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

@grumbist

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

@thenatewolf

Me: [crouching next to my friend] man, some of these guys take paintball so seriously

Log We Are Hiding Behind: freeze

@IvoryGazelle

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

@ohmygrapeness

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

@TheTweetOfGod

Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.

@Fred_Delicious

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”

ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

@nicolewboyce

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house