Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.
Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?
Me: Buildings don’t get scared.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
You Might Also Like
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Me: [crouching next to my friend] man, some of these guys take paintball so seriously
Log We Are Hiding Behind: freeze
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.
IRON MAN: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house