Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
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Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
@ candidates for local office
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.