WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.