Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
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Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn鈥檛 be so insecure if we weren鈥檛 always asking them to change.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen鈥檚 entire life won鈥檛 have been a complete waste.
馃槑 馃嵒
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My kids at 7am: What鈥檚 for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What鈥檚 blue plus blue make?
Me:
Me: So Christ鈥檚 body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I鈥檓 happy to report that apparently, I鈥檓 just lazy.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 馃檮
it鈥檚 my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i鈥檒l k*ll u with my bare hands
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let鈥檚 sell the largest skeletons
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.