*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.