Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
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Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.