RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
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My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.