Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.
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[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Commercial for Twitter dot com:
*man yells nonsense out his window*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk
wife: great! what did he say?
me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.