RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
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I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).