Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
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How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.