@MomofTeen

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

You Might Also Like

@amydillon

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

@Ygrene

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

@SammySkinns

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

@BoogTweets

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

@MissSassy_Pants

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

@HatfieldAnne

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

@LlamaInaTux

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

@sushimonsterc

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

@OakHill_

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter