OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
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Coworker: You’re very immature.
Me: You’re very observant.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter