Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
The asteroid..
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.