Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
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Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.