Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

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*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*


ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked


“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.


Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.


Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared


Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.