“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
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*pronounces surface like Versace*
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[password not strong enough]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Me: Two fingers here.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don’t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*