Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
my name if I was in the mob
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
#Caturday
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.