@HomeProbably

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

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@pleatedjeans

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

@jonnysun

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

@QwertyJones3

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@neiltyson

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

@AnniemuMary

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

@ADifGuy

Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.