@HomeProbably

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

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@NOTVIKING

[taking long drag from cigarette] if the blackbox can’t be destroyed then why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the blackbox material

flight attendant: you are absolutely not allowed to smoke in here

@ShrugLord

It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day

@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

@AaronFullerton

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

@MNateShyamalan

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

@GrantTanaka

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

@DaHess1

The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!

@PaperWash

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

@SophGalustian

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

@LackOfShame

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably