Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
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ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.