therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.