professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar