Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
teens: i’ll cheat on you
20’s: i’ll go to the bar with my boys
30’s: I’m gonna watch all of our shows without you
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wife: If you wake me up I’m going to kill you
me *watching her sleep* I’m not afraid of y-
me *doesn’t move for 45 minutes*
ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?
PROFESSOR: It’s Hume.
ME: Sorry – whom is your favourite philosopher?
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist
Guys, I have an announcement to make.
I’ve decided to use the quarantine as an opportunity to rekindle my marriage.
Everyone here knows we are struggling, and this may be the last shot I have at reconnecting.
Hahaha just kidding is Amazon still shipping shovels?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”