Relationship threats:

teens: i’ll cheat on you

20’s: i’ll go to the bar with my boys

30’s: I’m gonna watch all of our shows without you

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Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope


Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”


“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*


“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”


How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after you’ve told your wife that you’re gay?


Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.


Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.


Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.


People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.