@DaddyJew

Relationship threats:

teens: i’ll cheat on you

20’s: i’ll go to the bar with my boys

30’s: I’m gonna watch all of our shows without you

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@Tw1tter_K1tten

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

@iwearaonesie

wife: If you wake me up I’m going to kill you
[later]
me *watching her sleep* I’m not afraid of y-
wife *snorts*
me *doesn’t move for 45 minutes*

@Audenary

ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?

PROFESSOR: It’s Hume.

ME: Sorry – whom is your favourite philosopher?

@Rollinintheseat

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

@bigsharkguy

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

@WeissBrandon

My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist

@GeekWithCurls

Guys, I have an announcement to make.

I’ve decided to use the quarantine as an opportunity to rekindle my marriage.

Everyone here knows we are struggling, and this may be the last shot I have at reconnecting.

Hahaha just kidding is Amazon still shipping shovels?

@TheAndrewNadeau

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

@JohnLyonTweets

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

@ItsAndyRyan

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”