relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
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Me trying to “trust the process”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat