Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
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Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute