I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
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Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity