Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.

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Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.


My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.


*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*


*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*


Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.


“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.


sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”


My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.