Jogging but instead lying in bed with your eyes shut.
Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
creep in my dm: can i have a pic of your feet
me: what no
creep: i’ll venmo you $100
me: what color should i paint my toes