Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.

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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.


new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that


For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons


If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.


Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.


Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.


creep in my dm: can i have a pic of your feet

me: what no

creep: i’ll venmo you $100

me: what color should i paint my toes