Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ShadowTodd

Literally my professional life

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

@CVTBaby

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

@flashember

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

@junejuly12

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

@BellahJosie

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

@mayamanion

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

@Sassafrantz

My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.

@CheryeDavis

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.