@BlairLoudly
Jogging but instead lying in bed with your eyes shut.
@robfee
Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.
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@BlairLoudly
@Kyle_Lippert
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
@maisondecris
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
@Matt_The_1st
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
@PyrBliss
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
@squirrel74wkgn
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
@Home_Halfway
Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond
@SequelsWeWant
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
@mommajessiec
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
@rudy_mustang
creep in my dm: can i have a pic of your feet
me: what no
creep: i’ll venmo you $100
me: what color should i paint my toes