@robfee

Relationships are just two people scrolling through Netflix saying “I don’t care, just pick something” until they both turn into skeletons.

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@sharpular

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

@KentWGraham

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

@Ristolable

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

@simoncholland

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

@realHamOnWry

Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.

@Sanbel11

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

@fuzzlime

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

@mommajessiec

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.