You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
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These are too funny not to post 😂
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
when someone rings the doorbell
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.