Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
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my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.