Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

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Just had workplace violence training. It’s like HR doesn’t even care about the first rule of fight club.


[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya


*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.


I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun


[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?


A girl once asked if she wanted me to play Doctor. I said sure and made her wait in 2 different rooms for 45 minutes.

Humor stops for no one Samantha


I’ll bet Miss Piggy kissed a lot of princes before she found her frog.


My son and I both have creepy teenage mustaches. Only one of us is excited about it though.


I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.


Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure