Just had workplace violence training. It’s like HR doesn’t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
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boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
A girl once asked if she wanted me to play Doctor. I said sure and made her wait in 2 different rooms for 45 minutes.
Humor stops for no one Samantha
I’ll bet Miss Piggy kissed a lot of princes before she found her frog.
My son and I both have creepy teenage mustaches. Only one of us is excited about it though.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure