Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.