Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
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Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.