@BlakWidowBarbee

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

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@Jeff_G_Nixon

[barber shop]
BARBER: what can we do for you today?
MEDUSA: well.. [removes hat]
BARBER:
MEDUSA:
BARBER: so do you want more or less snakes?

@hippieswordfish

ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
BANKER: what
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’

@brittwastaken

“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.

@kochsister

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

@LeonEarlgrey

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

@Mr_Kapowski

Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea

@Vodkantots

My psychiatrist just described me as “not classically bipolar,” so apparently, I can’t even do mental illness right.

@hpb777

My husband’s doing that cute thing again where he thinks he’s right.

*throws his shit out on the lawn*

*makes a bonfire*

@TheTweetOfGod

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

@PharmerRPh

Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.