Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

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[barber shop]
BARBER: what can we do for you today?
MEDUSA: well.. [removes hat]
BARBER: so do you want more or less snakes?


ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
BANKER: what
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’


“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.


dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶


“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.


Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea


My psychiatrist just described me as “not classically bipolar,” so apparently, I can’t even do mental illness right.


My husband’s doing that cute thing again where he thinks he’s right.

*throws his shit out on the lawn*

*makes a bonfire*


I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup


Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.