most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse