“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”