*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
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Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
TWEET CALL
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I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Mornin