*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.