Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
You Might Also Like
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Every time.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.