Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
this is funnier than any friends episode
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.