The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
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Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan