remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
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me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.