@animaldrumss

Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed

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@Jenny4ashley

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

@TheSharona06

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

@thatcarlygirl

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

@ItsSamG

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

@daemonic3

me: [using doggie poop bag at park]

stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once

me: yeah wouldn’t want anyone to step in it

stranger: what’s your dog’s name

me: dog?

@LittleMissAngr1

Just overheard my daughter’s friend say “when your mom tries to be cool…” I didn’t hear the rest, but it was probably “…she succeeds”.

@panmidwest

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

@TEXASVETERAN

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

@Cpin42

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?