Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
me: [using doggie poop bag at park]
stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once
me: yeah wouldn’t want anyone to step in it
stranger: what’s your dog’s name
Just overheard my daughter’s friend say “when your mom tries to be cool…” I didn’t hear the rest, but it was probably “…she succeeds”.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?