remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
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“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”