remember at school when you pretended to be interested in a teachers social life just to waste time in lessons

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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.


Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”


Women’s speed climbing record was smashed. Under 7 seconds. Inhuman.


Girlfriend: so i finally got that brazilian

Me: omg that’s hot, lemme see

Girlfriend: *puts arm around handsome muscular dude* this is Eduardo


My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.


her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*


Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message


I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.


So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”