ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I remember when things only cost an arm.