Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
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*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
#Caturday
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles