Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
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Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
This is Sparta
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!