Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
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(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve