Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
You Might Also Like
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
This checks out
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to