Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
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Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.