@YoungNobler

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

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@HatfieldAnne

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

@SladeWentworth

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

@dataisplural

*gets caught kissing an optical illusion* it’s not what it looks like!

@BillFienberg

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

@clebdotcom

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

@DadZZZasleep

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

@HughGoesThere

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

@thombodytolove

lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire