@YoungNobler
@HatfieldAnne
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
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@HatfieldAnne
@SladeWentworth
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
@Social_Mime
I love snow
– People who never shovel
@dataisplural
*gets caught kissing an optical illusion* it’s not what it looks like!
@CrapLocalNews
Breaking news:
@BillFienberg
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
@clebdotcom
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
@DadZZZasleep
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
@HughGoesThere
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
@thombodytolove
lego batman: i hate the rain
me: why
lego batman: the puddles
me: what’s wrong with puddles
lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire