Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
That’s it.I’m out.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder