Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

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If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.


*does something weird*

*looks around for witnesses*

*sees no one*

*does something weird, LOUDER*


If the picture you took of the bad weather while driving isn’t followed by a picture of your car crash then it wasn’t that bad.


Boss: *introducing me to new co workers* This is Linda. She always answers the phone
Me: How are you Linda?
Linda: The phone
Boss: See


*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.


The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”


WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?


I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.


[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-



What the heck?

A 3G board?


I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.