If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
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*does something weird*
*looks around for witnesses*
*sees no one*
*does something weird, LOUDER*
If the picture you took of the bad weather while driving isn’t followed by a picture of your car crash then it wasn’t that bad.
Boss: *introducing me to new co workers* This is Linda. She always answers the phone
Me: How are you Linda?
Linda: The phone
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.