@robyn_vo

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

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@LosLos__

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

@Browtweaten

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

@FredTaming

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

@sixfootcandy

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

@KentWGraham

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

@junejuly12

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

@Jerrypleasure

[RESTAURANT]

Her : I like kids

(To impress her)

Me: *Points at any kid in a restaurant* I’m his father

@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

@samdunsiger

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window