@robyn_vo

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

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@Robert_Beau

I didn’t Survive Cooties to be Taken Out by a Goddam Virus.

@bugbucket

my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I’M complaining that he’s a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon

@nypost

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

@hippieswordfish

everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013

@fuzzlime

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

@boomdingwinning

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

@turtledumplin

I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.

@T_Bonezzz

SURVIVAL TIP

If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned

@heyitsJudeD

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: What’s your phone number?

*looks up from phone*

Me: I don’t have a phone.

*looks down at phone*

Coworker….