My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
The Oscar for best death or dying by a duck goes to.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Her : I like kids
(To impress her)
Me: *Points at any kid in a restaurant* I’m his father
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window