Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

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My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.


Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses


me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it


Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.


How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?


male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left


me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance



Her : I like kids

(To impress her)

Me: *Points at any kid in a restaurant* I’m his father


I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”


Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window