Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

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I didn’t Survive Cooties to be Taken Out by a Goddam Virus.


my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I’M complaining that he’s a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon


Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America


everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013


my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her


Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker


I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.



If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned


Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??


Coworker: What’s your phone number?

*looks up from phone*

Me: I don’t have a phone.

*looks down at phone*