i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
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Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?
Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!
Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down
Me: well this is embarrassing