Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Cardio Made Easy
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Lassie, get help!
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.