Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
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our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Yup….perfect score!
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.