Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
You Might Also Like
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.