Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
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[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”