I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
That’s enough internet for the day
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.