@buhsbaby_baby

Remember how they drove in 90’s TV sitcoms…the horribly fake steering wheel turning – left right left right? That’s how I actually drive.

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@eminmien

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

@mommajessiec

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

@thelateinnings

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

@SuchaDumbWorld

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

@caithuls

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

@InternetHippo

The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.

@DJRotaryRachel

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

@Jenny4ashley

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’