Remember how they drove in 90’s TV sitcoms…the horribly fake steering wheel turning – left right left right? That’s how I actually drive.

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“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”


A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.


[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime


To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.


Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone


The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.


Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.


1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’