Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
mariah carrie
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.