Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.