@SteveDutzy

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

You Might Also Like

@laurenmacdonald

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

@ipalatsky

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

@KeetPotato

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

@panmidwest

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

@TVsCarlKinsella

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

@scottthetwat

My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.

@markhoppus

Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.

@ElgatoEsmio

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.