Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
You Might Also Like
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD