Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
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When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
You’re losing followers because you’re not relatable enough. Try mentioning that you eat pizza. If that doesn’t work, play the ukulele.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“Johnny Depp looks good in that outfit!”
“That’s Diane Keaton.”