@sbellelauren

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

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@rolldiggity

Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.

@vikkaroni

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

@NoLuckWanted

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

@colesprouse

You’re losing followers because you’re not relatable enough. Try mentioning that you eat pizza. If that doesn’t work, play the ukulele.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

@TheWeirdWorld

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

@Trendingjoey

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

@TheHyyyype

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real