remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses